you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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