Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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