I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize