omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
