Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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