You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
