If i come over, it means nothing
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize