its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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