you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
