if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
apparently the secret to your success is patron
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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