Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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