It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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