My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
