I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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