I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
God, I missed his penis.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize