wat bout pragnant strippers??
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
