If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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