this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
