She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize