would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
