Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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