Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
