Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
