you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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