hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
