what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
