It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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