The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize