I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
