I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
