I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She announced her abortion via fbk
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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