i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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