i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
