There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
