I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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