My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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