He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
