Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
