I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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