Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
