my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Drunk is not a location!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
