You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
