I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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