Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
