Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
