bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
