Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
