Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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