K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Randomize
