I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
