i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
