Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
