How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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