If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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