omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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