I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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