No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
